Today I will close the bank account of the first business I ever created.
A business that brought me joy, freedom from corporate life, and filled our bank account for over a decade.
I called a dear friend earlier this morning to talk me off of the ledge as I didn’t sleep a wink. (Which, you know if Im CALLING someone it’s dire. )
Me: “Im stuck. I haven’t moved anything forward in months.” (Followed by 10 minutes of my uttering an uninterrupted river of ‘choices/options/what-ifs’based on impending decisions that need to be made.
She: ‘Wow. What a great problem to have. To get to CHOOSE exactly what you want to do next’
Me: “But. I feel like I am killing my darlings! And it’s brutal!”
She: “Well. What if instead you are creating space for your ACTUAL darlings to flourish?’
(I have smart friends ya’ll)
Ive let go of so many (so, so many) things in last 18 months.
An EXASPERATINGLY/EXHAUSTINGLY long list.
* 2019 was the last wedding I would photograph–I just didn’t know it yet.
* It was the last year I would run a group for women entrepreneurs.
* It was the last year I would facilitate a collective for wedding industry pros
* A book project I worked on (pro bono) for two years-stalled by mishaps and increased publication costs-was tabled (at least for now. maybe for always)
* A business partnership excitedly-formed would dissolve before it ever had a chance to flourish. (After YEARS of us looking for the perfect time/project to partner)
* A team I built with my time and money and magic-one full of plans/and processes for scale and dollars and dreams…was dismantled with zero plan to rebuild
It was crushing.
But. Ultimately…in the very best way.
* I let go of many notions of what ’success’ means to me and the version of myself built on traditional accomplishments. Which roughly translates to: other people’s opinion and making gobs of money.
* I let myself off of some imaginary, self-imposed hook of having to finish everything I started “because I said I would” without feeling like a let down to both others and myself. (mostly)
* I became a little more feral;-) (see here: )
TRUTH: Im not built for ‘hustle’ anymore. Maybe I never was.
Im built for ease and alignment.
Maybe you should be too…
Today is overdue.
It should have happened months ago. #avoidance
But: letting go of things we once loved-still love-that shaped and made us (even if for the better) ain’t for the faint of heart.
So today: I am choosing to let go of more things no longer serving this version of me in the same way they once did.
And. It’s powerful.
It’s also scary AF.(Anyone with me on this?)
Tonight. I plan to just pause.
Maybe scroll the BLUESKY page nostalgically. (and silently apologize to those first few years clients for how utterly crappy my work was. LOL)
Maybe have a glass of wine.
To just be a little still.
And to send that amazingly gorgeous dream-now all gown up-on her way to make way for ’next.’
But for now.
…I’m off to the bank.
(PS: for those wondering. Though I am closing BLUESKY-I will still take a very limited number of photography clients per year. 2 per month to be exact to free up space for the ‘new wardrobe’.;-) -Jan and April are booked so message if you want to be added to calendar for other months. …Stay tuned for what the rest of 2022 will look like soon;-)